The Oxford Dictionary defines the word narcissist as “a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.” And, according to the Mayo Clinic, “Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others.” According to WebMD, not every narcissist has NPD, but rather those at the highest (most severe) spectrum are classed as NPD. Typical NPD behavior includes arrogance and the absence of concern for others resulting in a plethora of problems in several emotional areas of their lives and in most interpersonal relationships.
From a medical diagnostic viewpoint, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) identifies 9 factors, five of which must be present in order to diagnose an individual with NPD.
1. A grandiose sense of self-importance.
2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love.
3. Believing that they are “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
4. Requiring extensive admiration.
5. A sense of entitlement (unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations).
6. Being interpersonally exploitative (taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends).
7. Lack empathy (unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others).
8. Often being envious of others or believing that others are envious of them.
9. Showing arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
I will say a good chunk of the people I meet in this business in failing relationships refer to their partners as narcissists. It seems to be the “popular” word or the “hip thing to say” right now to describe an ex-partner you feel has wronged you. Normal people will occasionally exhibit narcissistic behavior, and this doesn’t mean they are narcissistic or have NPD. Simply because one party to the marriage cared mostly for themselves to the detriment of the marriage doesn’t necessarily mean that person is a narcissist. I can imagine being in a relationship where the feelings of love and adoration are simply gone, could feel like being with a narcissist.
According to Psychology Today, the label of being a narcissist is being overused, and may trivialize the actual condition which is quite serious. The same publication states that “[s]omeone, even an ex, can behave badly without having a full blown personality disorder…and [s]ocial media posts appear to be influencing many people to wrongly label others around them as narcissists.”
Robert Karen, a psychologist and author wrote, “One of the premier diagnoses of our times, narcissism is a reflection not only of an apparent trend in mental illness but also of the strains and distortions in the lives of essentially healthy people.”
What are the real signs of someone with a narcissist partner deals with?
There are several traits commonly shown by narcissists or those suffering from NPD:
Sense of Entitlement:
They believe that the rules don’t apply to them, that most other people are inferior to them and that others should be comply with their wishes.
Manipulative Behavior:
Most people who have studied narcissism have heard of the “love bomb” stage in a relationship with a narcissist. This is a manipulative technique in which the person is kind and charming at first, but eventually shows their true selfishness.
Need for Admiration:
Many narcissists feel the need for constant and continuous validation from others. The desire for excessive praise and admiration leads to bragging and exaggeration of one’s accomplishments.
Lack of Empathy:
Many narcissists fail to take responsibility for their own behavior because they are unwilling or unable to empathize with the feelings of others.
Arrogance
Narcissists feel a sense of superiority to others, and as a result they can often become very anger when they perceive they are not receiving the respect they deserve.
Other symptoms of narcissism or NPD include, embellishment of achievements, fantasies of success and power, desire to associate with high-status people, and the feeling they deserve preferential treatment.
How to get away from a narcissist.
So you married a narcissist. Check out the article, 15 Signs You’re Married to a Narcissist. One of the things narcissists will do to their partner is attempt to make them feel like they have no other options outside the troubled relationship. In some situations, therapy can help a narcissist, if and only if that person is willing to actively participate in therapy and accept responsibility for their actions. However, if this relationship is making you feel unsafe, diminishing your emotional wellbeing, financial wellbeing or your relationship with your children, you need to strongly consider what an exit plan from the relationship might look like.
Sometimes the victim spouse will find it difficult to leave the narcissist and actually take the steps to begin the divorce process. It is important for the victim of a narcissist to get out of their feelings and start thinking rationally about what has taken place. The victim of narcissistic abuse has been emotionally battered for years, so it is crucial they take a stand and decide they will not be abused by this partner anymore.
If you are considering divorcing your narcissist spouse, which you should be, you need to start your preparing now. It’s important to gather and make copies of all documents related to assets and debts of the marriage. This includes at minimum bank statements, credit card statements, and statements for any retirement or investment accounts. Once you get a picture of the overall financial situation, you can determine how much money you will need to live on, and give you an idea of what assets and debts will be yours at the end of the divorce.
If you are dealing with a narcissistic ex, it is important to find an attorney who is willing to help with complicated family law matters, including emotional abuse and high conflict parties. It is important to not just hire any attorney, but to make sure you and your family law attorney are a good match. You must trust your attorney such you feel comfortable telling the truth about every aspect of the relationship which could be relevant.
Educate yourself and develop a game plan. You likely know the narcissistic individual better than anyone, use this to your advantage and work closely with your attorney. …What lies will they formulate to help themselves and hurt you? Most importantly, you have been emotionally abused and gaslit for years, stop letting it happen now. The narcissist knows exactly how to get under your skin and upset you, don’t let them do it. You are free now. But make no doubt about it, the narcissist partner will try to torture you throughout the legal process in a last ditch desperate effort to control you. A narcissist’s biggest fear is being rejected and left because it shatters their fragile self-worth.
If you are in a struggle relationship with a narcissist, it is important you find an attorney experienced in dealing with narcissist opposing party. Attorney Robert Davis at the Men’s Center for Domestic Resolution has significant experience in the tactics of narcissist and those with narcissistic personality disorders. Please call the Men’s Center for Domestic Resolution at 816-287-1530 to schedule a consultation to discuss your rights and options.
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