The Christmas and holiday season can bring the best and unfortunately sometimes the worst times. During the holidays we are often off work leaving us with lots of time to think about things including family holiday memories. Yet if you are going through a divorce, the holidays can be anything but jingle bells and snowmen, and can often exacerbate the difficult emotions those going through divorce may face. The emotional heart break associated with ending a family, especially when there are children involved, is intensified during the holidays.
It's common to want to isolate if you're going through a divorce during the holidays, rather than try to put on brave face and pretend everything's ok with the family. But its crucial to realize you are not alone. Self care is essential during these times as is learning to accept your emotions, feel them and realize you will heal with time.
Feel your emotions, don't ignore them. While the holidays are supposed to be a joyous time seeing family and friends, unfortunately for those going through a divorce, it can be a really tough time. Do not feel guilty if you are not in the holiday spirit and choose not to participate in the holiday festivities as much as you normally would.
What's significant though is that you allow yourself to feel those painful feelings, because this is an important step in moving through the healing process. If you are able to, seek mental health assistance from a professional to help you process the emotions and not blame yourself for everything.
In addition to owning your own emotions, its important to consider the mental health of any children involved in the marriage because the holidays can be particularly hard on children when their parents are getting divorced. Often children are experiencing the holidays with their parents in two separate households for the first time. Be sure your children know they are allowed and in fact encouraged to share their emotions with you and that these emotions are perfectly normal. The idea of spending the holidays in separate households can be upsetting for everyone involved. However, keeping the lines of communication open with your kids is essential.
When speaking with your children about the divorce and their emotions, the most important thing to remember is making sure the children know the divorce was not in any way, shape or form their fault, and that they are loved deeply by both parents. To this end, attempting civility in your dealings with your ex is important. Try to work together with your ex to create a holiday schedule for the children so that family holiday traditions can still be honored and the disruption for the children is minimized.
One of the most common frustrations in the divorce process is the amount of time it takes to get divorced. Unfortunately the process can really slow down and even grind to a halt during the holidays. Lawyers, law firm employees, judges and court employees all take time off work around the holidays so things just won't get done like they normally do. Although the courts do stay open around the holidays except for the actual legal holidays, stuff tends to get pushed to the new year. Amongst the many strengths it takes to survive a divorce, patience is one of the most important.
Another particularly stressful aspect of divorce during the holidays is money! Let's be honest, divorce, child support and maintenance are not cheap and neither are the holidays, so this double whammy can really take a toll on the divorcing parents. While it's important to continue the Christmas traditions, especially for the benefit of the children involved, your children and everyone else will understand if you are forced to budget your gift giving this year. Most of the financial stress this time of year comes from fear of the unknown, exactly how much will you spend. To counter this worry, create a budget.
Self care is uber important when you are in the midst of a divorce during the holidays. Be sure to devote time to yourself and try to stay active with exercise and a healthy diet. If you are more of the introverted type like me, be sure to take time to yourself to recharge your batteries. As mentioned above, if are able to consider visiting with a counselor, psychologist or other mental health professional. It's quite helpful to be able to vent your emotions to a neutral person. What's more, these professionals will often provide you with strategies to process your emotions so that you can better cope and move through tough emotional phases of the divorce process and recovery. The only thing you really have to do during the holidays is survive. :)
Like most situations that we fear in life, the outcome is rarely as bad as we fear it will be. The key is preparation! You need to go into the holiday season knowing it will be tough, plan accordingly and give yourself a break because the most important thing is to survive the holidays and live for another day. If you're a man considering divorce or currently going through one and you need legal advice or representation, please contact us via our website, or call us at 816-287-1530. The Men's Center for Domestic Resolution is here for men when they need us the most.
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