"White Night Syndrome:" Why the Need to Rescue Women is Common Amongst Some Men

It goes by many names, “white knight syndrome or savior syndrome” (known in the manosphere as “captain save a ho”), it’s a common phenomenon where men (and women) choose partners they believe they can help or “fix.” The idea is that once they “fix” or “save” the other person, that person will forever be in their debt and they will consequently be treated like a king/queen. It almost never works out that way.

If you're a man whose relationship has failed, you might be asking yourself, “how in the hell did I end up here, with her?

This situation is much more common than you might think. At the Men’s Center for Domestic Resolution, Kansas City's family law firnm for men, we frequently meet clients who spent years trying to fix, repair, or heroically rescue a spouse. Men think that with enough love and caring, they can fix their wife’s addition problems, mental health issues, financial disasters or problems with her family. These men hold that if they become the ultimate provider and partner, their woman’s problems will magically fade away. They rarely do unfortunately. While “white knight rescuers” believe their intentions are completely altruistic, and sometimes they are, their actions almost always end with regret, resentment and divorce.

What are the Symptoms of White Knight Syndrome?

Simply being a good supportive partner is not the definition of the phenomenon known as white knight syndrome. Without a doubt, being there for your spouse in times of needs makes for a high-quality husband. Rather, savior syndrome involves a specific repeated pattern during which the man’s total identity is concerned with rescuing his wife, frequently at the expense of his own needs and happiness.

Common Savior Actions:

• Feeling Responsible for their Wife’s Moods and Emotional State. Men feel it's their responsibility to make their wife stable, content, and/or well-adjusted, and they feel as if they’ve failed when she isn’t ok.

• Rationalizing Wife’s Toxic Behavior.  Whether it be addiction, haphazard financial decisions, or inappropriate emotional outbursts, these men will rationalize her behavior because of the difficult life she has had, or for one reason or another.

• He Takes Care of Everything. The white knight handles the family finances, parental responsibilities, most of the household duties and almost everything else the family needs because he feels like he has to.

• Giving his Own Needs the Backseat. He tells himself “it will get better "— but then a new crisis follows the resolution of every problem.

  
  

• Feeling needed instead of feeling loved. His role in the relationship is simply being essential to her survival, not love or partnership.

  
  

The Savior’s marriage often fails.

Saving a damsel in distress causes happy feelings (dopamine release) in men with white night syndrome. Yet, time after time, the end result ends upo being the same outcome the rescuer was trying to prevent.

• It causes resentment on in both spouses. The white knight spouse becomes frustrated and even angry because the caretaking is rarely reciprocated in the marriage. The rescued wife, likewise, feels the imbalance and resents feeling broken, guided, or treated as someone who has to be fixed instead of being treated as an equal partner.

  
  

• It prevents normal marital conflict. White Knights exhibiting these behavior patterns often fail to set effective boundaries because they fear a fight will "destroy" their broken spouse and destroy his hard work. Issues that should be addressed early in the marriage get tossed in the back seat only to rear their ugly heads all at once when things in the marriage begin to break down.

• It degrades the knight's own identity. Many of our clients cannot remember the last time they made a decision based on what they desired rather than what would keep the peace or keep their wife from being hurt.

  
  

Inevitably, something breaks. Often it's the rescuer who ultimately comes to a breaking point following years of self-neglect. Typically the marriage collapses despite — or as a result of — all the attempted fixing. Regardless of the true cause of the marriage's demise, by the time this type of couple reaches a divorce attorney's office, the rescuing spouse is often emotionally depleted, unsure of his own needs, and worried he'll be blamed for "giving up."

What This Means If You're Facing Divorce

If this pattern sounds familiar, a few things are worth knowing as you move into the legal process:

It’s Time to Focus on Numero Uno.

A Divorce is frequently the first time in a long time a man with white knight syndrome gets the opportunity to make decisions for his own wellbeing, along with his children's wellbeing, instead of managing his wife’s crisis. This change can feel uneasy, perhaps even guilt-inducing — but it's absolutely not selfish. It's absolutely necessary.

If substance abuse, mental health issues, or financial hap hazardous behavior were present, they could affect your case. 

Such matters can influence child custody, parenting time, and property division pursuant to Missouri law.

It’s important to keep records of what you've seen and discuss it with your attorney.

The goal isn't about prevailing in court, rather it's about ensuring child custody and child support orders are appropriate under the circumstances.

Don’t be afraid to seek counseling. 

We recommend most men seek counseling during or after their divorce to help them mend and reboot. The stigma of mental health treatment has vanished, and it is a proven effective way to increase your happiness and success in life. Therapy is also important to help make sure you don’t repeat the same mistake in your next relationship.

Whats Next?

Realizing you've spent years trying to save your spouse, frequently at the expense of your own wellbeing, is a tough pill to swallow. Yet it's a crucial first step in rebuilding your life, a life you deserve, that isn't designed to take care of her never-ending problems.

Men of Kansas City…if it looks like you are headed for the Big D and you fit some of the criteria discussed in this blog, get the heck off the sinking ship and call attorney Robert Davis at the Men’s Center for Domestic Resolution. Our firm will walk with you through legal and emotional aspects of divorce and help you come out the other side a stronger and wiser man. We focus on asset division, fair child support, child custody and parenting time.

The Men's Center for Domestic Resolution is Kansas City's father's rights law firm.